October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Childbirth educators and other perinatal professionals will no doubt at some point work with families who are experiencing (or have experienced in the past) a pregnancy or infant loss.  When this tragedy happens, we can be a source of support, compassion and resources for the family and model appropriate actions that other people can model.

Death in many cultures remains a taboo topic. Too often, people are afraid of saying the wrong thing so they don't say anything, or they aren't comfortable around grief, so they say things to dismiss it.  In this post, parents who have experienced pregnancy and child loss share what they want people to know and wish people would say or do.  Educators can follow these helpful suggestions and share with others who support a family going through this experience.

• Ask me about my child. 
• Acknowledge my child's life. 
• Say my child's name. 
• Validate my loss, validate my pain. 
• Ask me how I'm doing during a holiday, special date, or milestone - put an reminder in your phone if it helps you remember. 
• Ask me how I would like you to remember my child. 
• Tell me you're here for me. 
• Be here for me. 
• Check in with me now, in a few months from now, and in a few years from now. 
• Ask me what grade my child would be starting. 
• Remember my child. 
• Ask me what I remember about my child. 
• Know that someone will always be missing from my family. 
• Ask me what I would like to share about my child. 
• Do not tell me time heals, to move on, to have faith, this is a lesson, this is God's will, "at least..." or anything even remotely similar.
• No matter how early I lost my child, it's still painful, it's still a loss, and I'm still grieving. 
• Pray for me, yes, but also talk with me.
• Tell me that you think about my baby. 
• Don't judge me based on how I reacted/didn't react over the loss of my child. 
• Show up to support me. 
• Respect my privacy when it's desired. 
• I am tired of being "bereaved" and "grieving." 
• It will not get "better" or "easier" - it will be different. 
• My new baby or older children do not make up for the loss of or replace this baby - and they never will. 
• Know that grief over my child will always be part of my life. 

Connecting the Dots has an extensive collection of resources and posts about pregnancy and infant loss to provide more information and guidance.  You can explore our posts here.

Published: October 15, 2020

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