Great Expectations: Pamela @ 30 weeks

My disclaimer for this post is that these may sound like the rants of a woman who is 30 weeks pregnant and is ready to be done now. It just feels like I've been pregnant FOREVER and I still have 10 or so weeks to go. At my 27 week appointment I was measuring exactly 27 so I felt like all this work of eating well and taking my blood sugars was paying off. Unfortunately, at my 29 week appointment this past Friday it was a different story. I measured at 32 and I had had a string of days of poor blood sugar readings. My midwife was being supportive and helping me put together solutions for my care but I really broke down at the end of the appointment.I was bitter. I felt like I've had to fight for something every pregnancy and I didn't think it was fair. I'm not trying to make myself a martyr here because honestly, we went into all of these pregnancies willingly and of course the result (our children) makes it all worth it. The toll, however, on my emotions and my body has been difficult. Since I got pregnant in September of 2007 with Julian, my body hasn't really had a "break" and between pregnancies and nursing, it's a wonder how this big ball of hormones sitting here typing right now hasn't exploded. During my appointment on Friday when I felt like everything I've been trying to do to have a healthy birth and a healthy baby were NOT working, I really lost it. Pregnancy is hard enough but to add in feeling like my BODY wasn't cooperating despite my attempts is so hard.With Julian, I felt like we were fighting for a natural childbirth experience that just wasn't in the cards. Between having providers that weren't entirely supportive of our birth plan, an induction due to pre-eclampsia, something over which I had no control, and ending in a surgical birth, it all took away the experience we dreamt of for 9 months. With Dash, I fought for a vaginal birth after cesarean, almost every step of the way. Between non-supportive providers and OBs who did not believe in my ability to birth vaginally, and all the work in getting him in a good position and growing him a healthy size, it was a lot of hard work that, fortunately, resulted in a birth experience that was healing and life-changing. Now here we are again, fighting for a healthy baby and healthy mama after an official diagnosis this Tuesday of gestational diabetes.For the women who have had easy pregnancies with no complications and for the women who have had easy labor and deliveries where your baby and body did everything they were supposed to do, I hope you know how easy you had it. For those of us who have to work extra hard to have healthy babies and healthy births, all I can say is that I understand what you are going through or what you have gone through and I am giving you a virtual hug. This pregnancy thing is not easy for everyone.After my appointment on Friday my midwife and I made a plan together. I would start chromium supplements daily and I would see a specialist to see if there is anything else I could do with my blood sugar issue. Luckily I was able to get into an appointment with an endocrinologist this Tuesday and she gave me a very objective look at what's going on with my body and where we can go from here. Basically, I have to keep my blood sugars down. I have to take my ketones every morning with a pee stick and this will measure if I am eating enough. After looking at my food journal since August, my doctor did not feel that I am eating enough and that may be why it's difficult to get good readings. She could have fooled me with this revelation since I have gained 22 pounds since getting pregnant (which I feel is a lot but it's still in a healthy range), but she's the expert. I have to take my blood sugar every morning fasting and then after every meal. I have to walk everyday. I have to see a Certified Diabetic Nutritionist to go through my food journal closer and see how I can tweak what I am eating to help my blood sugar readings. After two weeks I am seeing them again and if I am keeping my numbers low enough, then we'll go another two weeks. If I have erratic and high readings then we may need to look at medication, which for pregnant women it means insulin. Despite all this information being thrown at me on Tuesday, I actually feel better about things. On Friday I felt like my body was failing me but now that I have met with my doctor and had things explained to me, at least I understand now what is going on and exactly what I need to do to help the situation.My appointment with my doctor reminded me that there is life after birth. In fact, birth is just the beginning and with a diagnosis like this for me AND for him, how I treat my body over the next 10 weeks can have a major impact not only on myself for the rest of my life, but also for him and his health. This is MAJOR. This is no longer about having 'the perfect baby and perfect birth' because truly, what does 'perfect' mean anyways? What I am dealing with is a potentially life long struggle with diabetes for the both of us and I am going to do everything in my power to set both of us up for a healthy life after birth.Last night I was a part of a panel to speak about natural childbirth and beyond for a local mother's group. I was there in the capacity of my birth trauma support group but since I was having a trying weekend in general it was really helpful to be there as a pregnant mama too. It was helpful to hear stories and tips for other expectant mamas in how to have the pregnancy and birth they want. Everything we talked about last night resonated with me and reminded me of why we (birth educators/doulas/activists) are all here. One of the doulas on the panel ended the meeting with a most perfect phrase: it's all about empowering women to make decisions they feel good about. So that's where I am. As I sit here I feel empowered. Before I was able to gather the appropriate information, I felt like I had a vague idea of what I was doing but now that I understand what is going on inside my body I feel more prepared to deal with this issue. Together with my provider and my endocrinologist we have a plan of care in place that I feel very comfortable executing. I feel armed with knowledge and support to be as healthy as I can be.