Great Expectations: Heather @ 22 Weeks

Finally, a clear look! This is, indeed, a girl! With this confirmation, we can begin my favorite worldly part of any great endeavor: shopping! However, it's becoming more than I bargained for. Mom and I stopped at a cute maternity store in the mall the other day; she was nice enough to buy me a new shirt that I needed. She paid as I continued scanning the racks by the register. Suddenly, from behind the counter I was being asked for my name, email and home addresses, due date, blood type, and favorite color, for exclusive deals! Caught off guard, I answered without thinking. On our way out of the store, I opened up my bag to find a large packet included with my purchase.

"You didn't hear her telling you?" Mom said. "It's a gift bag of coupons and free samples. Even a bottle. How nice!"

"I feel so...targeted," I answered. She gave me the weirdest look.

I know, I know. What's wrong with that? Nothing huge. I'm just all kinds of sensitive these days, and getting weighed down. I should be looking for a childbirth class, at some point, at least for my husband's sake, but when I'm already fairly familiar with labor stages, common procedures, available coping techniques, etc., I'm not feeling the rush to hear it all again. Yes, shame, shame, I'll get over it. I'm also trying to finalize a list of preferences and find the courage to start discussing them with my midwife without the fear of being shot down. We've gotten along prettty well so far, and I don't want to rock the boat too hard. I don't want to have to go looking for a new one, either. Then, as above, I feel burdened by the weight of free stuff I don't want that people want me to pay them for more of.

Right now I am part of a unique consumer group, and a highly profitable one, frequently identified as being emotionally vulnerable, susceptible to cuteness, anxious, impulsive, and willing to pay >150% of value to feel safe/comfortable/good looking again/like a good mother. There are people who know it; I know they know it, and it makes me wary.

Maybe I take it to the point of crazy. For sure, my family is a little done with the rants. But I can't change the last few years, or how they've altered my perspective. Seeing how I am now, I'm glad that I studied things out and made my choices before, when my emotions were clearer and my brain less focused on everything happening internally. I'm glad for what I learned from developing PCOS before it could seriously threaten my well-being and hopes for a family. I've had to question a lot. What is health? What helps that happen? Is it what I see in commercials or on grocery and drugstore shelves? Actually, they were often making it worse. Now I question everything someone tries to sell me, the claims they make and words they use.

The thought on my mind is, if sometimes standard medical practice is not in line with mothers' and babies' rights and interests, as I've learned, and the state of today's food and home goods industry has become so toxic as I've learned, and I never knew about either before, what is the truth about all the other images I've quietly accepted throughout my life? Who is it that chose those images? Why do they want me to think that way?

I'm not saying that standards of practice, industry, and marketing are bad by nature, not at all. But their benefits come with some potential for abuse. Each relates to the ability to provide good service, but also to make the most money possible. I'm not saying that we need to outrightly reject these pursuits, or that you're foolish for following their influence. Simply, in that kind of world, you're at the bottom of the chain. If you don't pick your own place, they'll pick it for you. It's what they're trained for. And you'd better believe they follow you onto the labor ward and beyond. It may be news, but even medicine is an industry, a business. They are paid very well for what they do. It is helpful to be aware of this and be sure that whatever you are told is best and in line with your wishes and priorities.

All of these offered choices come with often untold consequences--there are cons for the pros and risks for the benefits. They come with an emotional impact. Ignorance = powerlessness. Powerless' is a word often used in describing negative or traumatic birth experience (not that all women made to feel that way were ignorant, of course!). If you give up your power to someone else to choose or act for you, and leave yourself unaware of what can or will be done to improve your situation and why, will that lessen or increase your fears of something going wrong?

By the same token, awareness gives greater power. By making two simple choices, I can cut my general risk of a cesarean from about 1 in 3 to maybe 1 in 20. Those choices? No induction, no epidural. Of course, those choices dictate a few other courses of action, but I know mostly what they are and their own pros and cons. That is what feels right for me, and I'm willing to work my hardest to make it work. By looking more deeply at what drives the medical industry, I can understand the forces driving my experience while in their care. I can more easily discern my situation, accept appropriate help, and have the outcome I hope for. As we each do this, we are opening up the way for those behind us who want the same. If enough of us ask for an option to be made available, chances are they'll comply. It's good business.

Meanwhile, I'm told, it's the best thing for me and my baby. Promotes healthy whatever or reduces the .02% risk of something or other. That's what they all say. Most of this helpful advice is harmless. But I AM offended by those who seek to supersede a woman's will. Laws that govern her ability to refuse an exam, or the amount of time she may labor with a midwife before she must be turned over to someone who supposedly knows better? This is exactly the reason some of us opt for midwives to begin with. I am offended by those who supersede the wellbeing of others, such as companies who mount aggressive formula marketing campaigns in impoverished nations with poor water quality. I am offended by all who rely on fear based decision-making for idealistic self-promotion. Calling certain medical procedures evil or shaming mothers for spoon-feeding? Seriously? Listen, we all care about the outcome. I am not against sensible, well moderated guidelines and I too feel that the best way to help something to develop is to facilitate but not interfere. That said, please BACK OFF. I am not the idiot you take me for. And if you pull the dead or damaged baby card, so help me...

Deep breath!

Sorry, family, rant over. Yes, I'm still working on the positivity thing, and you can laugh at me for sounding so dire while criticizing fear based decision-making. Feel free to accept or reject. I'm just all kinds of sensitive right now, you know? You'll love me anyway, right? Now, what do you think would be a good middle name for Athena Maloney?