Great Expectations: Cara @ 13 weeks

We'd like to introduce and send a big welcome to Cara Joyner, our new Great Expectations blogger. Cara is a mother of two who writes regularly at carajoyner.com and in various publications. She is also a professional birth doula and childbirth educator (trained by Lamaze International). Welcome, Cara! We're looking forward to following along in your journey.

The steady hum of chaos and gleeful destruction is the theme song of life in our apartment. Clean carpets, empty laundry baskets, new clothes, daily showers - those are things we knew before babies. Now we live in the noise and the mess and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Up to this point, our little clan has been made up of a feisty, sharp-witted 3-year-old and a determined (read: exhausting), but wonderful, 15-month-old that believes his primary residence should be the highest point in all rooms. The kitchen table, TV, piano - all of these are places I've retrieved him from in the last week. I would like to tell you that my husband and I are confidently steering this crazy ship, but I'm pretty sure on most days, it's those two little boys at the helm, dragging us weary parents along for the ride.

This has been our team for a while now and soon we'll be adding to the party, starting the newborn thing all over again.

Most of us don't focus much on due dates, and I'm especially reluctant to give mine any attention as they have been quite deceiving in the past. My oldest waited an extra twelve days to get the ball rolling. I guess my second wanted to show me some mercy; he only extended his stay by ten days. We'll see what type of story this sweet one decides to tell with his or her arrival.

The boys' births were beautiful and different. Both were born with the support of a wonderful doula and fabulous Certified Nurse Midwife. The first labor was long and hard and I swore off all future childbearing somewhere during the course of it. The second was surprisingly fast and I loved each moment. I remember looking at my doula after our youngest baby came earthside and saying, 'I could totally do that again. I am actually looking forward to doing that again.'

Last February, two little purple lines reminded us that some babies come along by surprise. We were scared and elated all in one breath; and when her heart stopped beating in March, we were crushed.

Everything about this first trimester has been different. First there was the initial fear following a miscarriage, accompanied by new waves of grief for that loss. Plus, this pregnancy has physically felt different. It's been quieter than the boys. There were concerns for this one, troubling tests early on. By the end of July though, everything was clear. All we had to do was wait that final stretch of summer; but between you and me, I held my breath. Until just recently, I wasn't ready to dream about the future and imagine this new picture for our family.

With the boys, there was simply joy and nothing but that. Now there is precious joy along with the humble realization that this one is here because of the one that is gone. Those thoughts are too heavy and complex for my heart to sort through right now. Maybe later.

Today we are excited and eager and grateful...and breathing easy again.

I can't wait to mark each leg of this with you! I'm counting on you to hold me to one of biggest goals this go around - not learning the sex before birth. Now that it's right here in black and white, on the Internet for all to see, there really is no going back! Our oldest son swears this is a girl and that we should name her Elsa. If it is a boy he should be named Hans. Thanks a lot Frozen. I owe you one.

I wanted to leave you with a fun picture of our family holding the sonogram, but trying to have my boys hold still for an 'announcement photo' was a complete joke. I promise to introduce them more formally in the future.

Here we go again!