Coping with Loss of Pregnancy or Newborn

By Liza Cooper, MSW, LMSW, Director, Family-Centered Care and Family Engagement at March of Dimes

There is a sacredness in tears. They are messengers of overwhelming grief - and unspeakable love.

--Washington Irving

Moms-to-be want to plan their childbirth experience and how their baby is born. They and their partners anticipate the warm, beautiful emotions they'll feel when they hold their newborn for the first time. But sometimes the options, the choices, and the beautiful feelings are stolen away by the loss of a pregnancy or a newborn. You may feel you're bearing the loss and its accompanying sorrow alone. You may wonder how anyone else could possibly understand. And indeed, other people in your life may say things that minimize the loss or fail to recognize and acknowledge the meaning to you of the pregnancy, the baby, or parenthood. Even close family and friends may say, it's all for the best, you'll have another one -- words that are intended to help, but which only hurt - hurt very deeply.

You are not alone. So many mothers, fathers and families are grieving the loss of a pregnancy, a baby - a singleton or one or more of their multiples. And although each person's grief is unique, there are some universal emotions that thread us together in unity.

Common Emotions
When loss is fresh, some people are in disbelief. Some speak about feeling numb, feeling nothing, or feeling empty. How could this have happened? many ask. How can the world continue normally when my baby is gone? Sometimes it's the injustice of it all that you feel the most. How unbelievable, how unimaginable that after a beloved child is taken away that the sun still rises, flowers still bloom, people still drink coffee, laugh and have other babies. It is stunning, shocking, impossible to understand.

You might feel anger. The loss of a child can fill the earth, the sky, the universe of a mother or father with sorrow, with rage. Many parents have great plans for their new family, visions of holding and loving their baby at home, with relatives, going to events or just to the park together. You may feel robbed of your dreams. It is common to beg, plead, pray within oneself, or within your faith, to anyone who will listen that this loss must be undone, that time needs to be reversed so the baby can be returned to you where he or she belongs. And anger can lead to blame. In the desperate need to find reason, an explanation for this terrible loss, many parents want to identify who is at fault.

A Strange Medicine
When something goes wrong in a pregnancy or in a birth, when a baby arrives too sick or too soon, when a pregnancy is lost or a baby dies, you may feel out of control and helpless. You may have done everything possible to have a healthy pregnancy and baby; there may have been nothing that could stop or prevent this unimaginable loss. But mothers often blame themselves and feel a terrible sense of guilt. Guilt can serve as a painful way to place order back in the universe when everything seems so arbitrary, senseless and chaotic. If I blame myself for my baby's premature birth, if I can identify the reason I believe this happened, then at some very profound level, I can make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. In this way, guilt is a strange medicine, a medicine that restores some sense of control in an otherwise uncontrollable world.

Moving Through Guilt
So when does the guilt end? How do we move through this heart-breaking emotion? Healing begins with revealing this feeling - sharing it with others who understand - friends, family members, a trusted healthcare provider, a compassionate therapist, or in a safe online community like the March of Dimes shareyourstory.org. Speak about it, write about it. Allow others to normalize this feeling, and normalize it for them. And then become more informed - discuss with a health care professional what might have gone wrong, get clarification of your questions, and develop a forum to process these difficult thoughts.

Grief's Pattern

Grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows like the moon -- the rawness does not just get better each day; instead some days we feel like we can get through and cope and then just when we feel stronger and more able, a day comes when the grief feels as raw as the first moment of loss. There may be triggers - certain songs, a rainy day or a sunny one, hearing of a friend's pregnancy, an invitation to a baby shower, the holiday season, the baby's birthday or expected due date. It is natural to feel a stronger sadness, anger, envy when certain events or times come up. It can be confusing and overwhelming. Be patient with yourself and the emotions that come and go.

Embarking on a new pregnancy, after a loss, can be very difficult too. You may be anxious and fearful about this pregnancy and worried about everything going right. Discuss with your doctor what happened in the previous pregnancy and birth - your pregnancy and birth history are very important to determine the best treatment plan and the support needed. Remember that this is a different pregnancy. Create a place to share worries, sorrow, hopes and dreams, a place where others are kind, sensitive and may have had similar experiences. It might be a support group, a trained therapist or an online forum such as shareyourstory.org

Moving Forward

Have faith that you will survive your loss. Seek support. Know that there will be good days and challenging ones, but the baby is not gone - he or she is threaded into your very being. Learn and explore what meaningful things can be done now - integrating the baby's life or memory into your heart and future. Most importantly, you and your partner must trust that you can and will move forward, smile, laugh, forgive, and find light and hope again.

For more information visit: http://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/loss.html

Liza Cooperis the National Director of Family-Centered Care and Family Engagement at the March of Dimes Foundation. Her focus is insuring the quality of our NICU Initiatives and enhancing family-centered neonatal care through strategic partnerships and the development and implementation of educational programs to professionals. Until recently, Liza was the Director of March of Dimes NICU Family Support^® and developed and built the project since its inception in 2001. March of Dimes NICU Family Support is a national endeavor, currently in more than one hundred NICUs throughout the United States, bringing information and comfort to families experiencing the hospitalization of their newborn. Liza is a Licensed Masters Level Social Worker with a B.A. in Psychology from Brown University and a Masters in Social Work from Boston University. She worked as a High-Risk Obstetrical and Newborn Intensive Care social worker, where she developed innovative family support programs for many years prior to joining the March of Dimes.